Anniversaries & Anxiety

Its been a while since I've posted. I've been trying to remain positive and enjoy the Holidays, but on Christmas I failed miserably.  My poor flu-stricken Brother took the brunt of my disappointment and we ended up fighting & yelling. Merry F-ing Christmas! Fortunately We don't let anger linger. I apologized immediately, he forgave me. I took an ativan & sat in silence as we watched a Friends DVD & ate dinner.

You see, not only is this time of year heartbreakingly sad because we miss our beloved mother, but I am constantly thinking of last year's Christmas.

One year ago I was sitting in a hospital room. One year ago I learned I had to start dialysis for the acute kidney failure caused by an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. One year ago I almost died!

Now the New Year is approaching and I know I should be approaching it with a spirit of renewal and hope. God knows that's what I need right now, but my mind wont settle down. I keep looking back and thinking about what happened one year ago. I was still in the hospital. I had started kidney dialysis. I hated it! I felt horrible, I wasn't eating, I was losing weight, but nit in a good way.  I had horrid headaches .... I was miserable. But I was alive! It was soon going to be a new year. I was trying to be positive as I sat ringing in the new year alone on the hard excuse for a couch in my room. I was hopeful! I hadn't died & I was on my way to recovery! 2012 would be great!

Then New Years Day happened. That was the day I faced the real possibility of death in a very visceral way.

I have a genetic condition called Long QT Syndrome. It can cause irregular heart rhythm & death, so I have an implanted defibrilator. If my heart rate gets too high or too low, it shocks my heart back into rhythm. On January 1, 2012 I experienced this 13 times over a 3-4 hour time period.  Yes...13 agonizingly horrid, terrifying & painful times!!!

My electrolytes were all out of whack from dialysis & in that weakened state, my heart was having a hard time keeping its regular rhythm. I kept slipping into tachycardia. My brother was there Pacing the room. He called my dad.  My dad & Karen were there rather quickly. I remember It was evening and We sat silently watching TV. They were also watching me, waiting for me to say "uh oh!" And pass out, get shocked and wake back up. I could feel it when it started to happen. I'd feel lightheaded & just pass out but with it enough to feel the jolt to my body as the tiny device in my chest fulfilled its duties.

I was scared shitless! I didnt want to die! My biggest fear was having my family watch me die. Sure the defibrilator was doing its job, but its just a piece of machinery. What if it failed? I started to pray like I have never prayed before, begging God to make it stop! Pleading with my Creator that taking me from my Dad & Brother after all the loss they had endured would just be cruel! He couldn't do that to them!  Not now! They needed me! My time on earth was in no way complete!

I was given potassium & magnesium but it took time for these to work. Finally it all stopped and I was incident free. I was scared to close my eyes but i finally slept a bit. I was afraid to be alone, so my brother & dad stayed the night.

January 2nd I felt good, considering all that was going on in my body. Early in the morning the guys left to get sleep. It seemed the worst had passed. Dad came to see me later in the day. I sat next to him on the couch and snuggled up to his side like I hadn't done since I was four! It made my anxiety and fear of death disappear.

He left around 8pm. I got back into bed for a wound dressing change and then it happened..."oh no!" I cried out & round 2 of arrhythmia started! This time it was 11shocks over the next few hours and they finally moved me to the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit.

I knew there was a real possibility I was going to die this time. I could see it in the faces of the nurses & doctors treating me. They were frantically trying to figure out how to make it all stop! It was nearly midnight & they tried some drugs but they weren't working. My dad showed up at 1 am. I could see the fear on his face. Again I pleaded with God! If He were real he would help them figure this out and let me live! It finally stopped but my heart was just not beating right.

I spent a few days in ICU. They had decided to engage the pacemaking capabilities of my defibrilator and set my heart rate to 100bpm. That seemed to do the trick. I was then moved to a regular room. I continued dialysis & my electrolytes were finally back in synch. A few days later they lowered the pacemaker rate to 85. A few days after that, with much panic, questioning and crying, they turned off the pacemaker. I still have the defibrilator, it just wasnt alwsys functioning as a pacemaker. I was back in normal rhythm! Praise God! My heart was beating fine on its own. I was indeed going to be OK!

I still needed recovery and dialysis. I was moved to a different hospital that was for long term recovery. I was there until February 2, 2012 & went for outpatient dialysis until mid-March. My kidneys had also recovered!

So now I'm facing sevetal one year anniversaries. I'm facing a lot of fear, but I feel lucky to be alive. I'm now very aware how fleeting this life can be.

Since January 1st I have severe anxiety. I live in fear every day that my defibrilator will start going off again and deliver an electrifying jolt! Its not rational and I've sat up nights talking myself down from a full on panic attack! I hate feeling that out of control. But I can't stop the thoughts.

So where am I one year later?  The fear is still there, just not as intense. I take anxiety medicines and see a counselor. I didnt have a panic attack while writing this, and I take that as a good sign. I'm getting physically better and on my way to being anxiety free. I'm trying not to look back and relive the bad moments. Im trying to look at where I was and How far I've come. I'm desperately trying to find a purpose and meaning in my life.

So, Think of me on New Years day and send a little shout out to God and the universe for keeping me here. I know it will help me feel comforted and stay positive. Im still here for a reason! With the help of God and my friends, I know I can find out why!

Decorating for the Holidays

I knew that decorating this year was going to be emotional. The day after Thanksgiving was never a shopping day, it was the day our family spent decorating for Christmas. we never had much money to spend on presents, but we always spent the day listening to our Christmas records (no CDs then kids!) and decorated the house and tree. It was a special day.

The story goes that upon my parents 2nd Christmas together, they purchased a really nice artificial tree. Real trees were just too messy & expensive every year. So every year dad would haul out the box and begin the assembly procedure. Each branch had a color painted on the metal tip where it would be inserted into the wooden "trunk" of the tree. I always helped him sort and pile them by color. Within a half hour or so, we had a 6ft, green bristly tree. Now the fun of decorations!

Year after year ornaments were added, some had broken & others just wore out from use. But the one thing we always did was decorate as a family!

I miss those days now.  As my brother and I grew up and moved out, mom ended up decorating alone and somewhere along the way, the old, bristly, bottlebrush limbed tree was replaced with a pre-lit tree that looked fairly real!

I regret now not taking time out to go decorate with mom. As we grow up, we grow away as well. Its part of life, sad as it may be for some people.

This is the third Christmas without my mom. Its just now starting to feel like Christmas again...but it will NEVER be the same. I don't have a tree, it got donated in the confusion of moving. But I do have lots of other decorations. Bins of them! I don't have the emotional energy to go through every tub, we did that back in April before Dad moved. I cried for hours!  its amazing how many memories can be attached to something as small as a plastic tree ornament.

I opened two bins and found enough items to get me in the spirit of the Holidays! I have a tablecloth that I remember since...always! I have my stocking that my parents got me when I was young. I don't remember a Christmas without it. I have my brothers stocking that mom got and put his name on the first Christmas he spent with us as a Meier. He was two. My mom was crafty and I have several homemade decorations and a quilt throw with matching pillow slipcover that she had sewn.

There wont be a tree with presents but I decided to play Santa and make sure to fill my little Bros stocking like mom would. He will be surprised Christmas morning and that will make me happy.

Its not much but what we do have makes the apartment cozy and "feels" like Christmas. Now all we need is some hot cocoa, Christmas cookies and some snow to make it perfect!

A Lot Can Happen In A Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of my surgery. It was the first serious surgery I ever had & though the outcome was successful, the recovery nearly killed me! The fact that I'm alive still baffles me.

I feel like a cat who has used up 8 of his 9 lives. Every day is a special moment. Im now not afraid to say how I feel because one may never get the opportunity to say it again. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time.

Here's what happened. I was having some serious female issues for about a year. I hate doctors! But I should have gone. My blood loss was severe enough that I was anaemic and needed a blood transfusion. After some horribly uncomfortable and slightly embarrassing tests, they discovered a mass in my uterus.

Since I have a blood clotting disorder, I'm on blood thinners, This makes surgery even more of a risk for me. They decided to put in a filter. They go in through my neck and insert a filtering device somewhere down in the artery in my pelvic area. It prevents clots from traveling to to your lungs. Ive had that happen before...not good! The filter is still there BTW...Not worth the risk to remove it.

So, I underwent a complete hysterectomy. They cut me open with a nice long incision. They took what they could & needed while inside because repeating the surgery would be too risky.

They discovered a large cancerous tumor in my uterus. My ovaries had lumps but were benign. They had removed all the cancer by removing the uterus & both ovaries. They said I may need radiation, but that was up to the oncologist.

FFWD 10 days and I'm home. I did not feel well. I didnt want to leave the hospital. I was in a lot of pain! Four days later, I was back in the hospital. A few staples had popped off and the wound had become infected!  I headed back to the surgeon and he admitted me. After testing they tell me the infection is MRSA! So, I had to get another less invassive surgery for debrisment of the incision. The infection wasnt as bad as they thought but I was given IV antibiotics.

A few days later I'm feeling a bit better. I'm on IV dilauded for pain(the best drug ever) and have what they call a wound vac. I'm feeling better! Or so I thought! If I had only realised the party was just about to begin.

See....I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic and my kidneys were shutting down. By the next day I was in full acute kidney failure & was told I needed dialysis. What? Dialysis?  Huh?

So, Dec 26th I had my first dialysis treatment. It is not fun! I hated it! You feel like death is creeping in. You no longer are peeing much! I've lost my appetite completely! I spent days with a migraine. The Doc was hopeful I would eventually fully recover, but it would take at least 12wks of dialysis...3x/wk for 4hrs! It was hell! I was introduced to my new best friend...ativan. I was able to sleep through most of it.

So after a week of dialysis, I'm feeling a bit better. It was New Years Eve and I actually got out of bed, hauling all my tubes and equipment with me and sat on this uncomfy sofa thing and watched TV to ring in the New Year. I was sooo looking forward to the New Year!  But as I sat there I felt these waves of dizziness and called the nurse. They put me on a heart monitor and drew blood to check my electrolyte levels.

By the next night, it happened again, but this time the feeling of dizziness caused heart arrhythmia. See...I also have a genetic condition called Long QT syndrome. Its rare. But...after an episode 3yrs prior(that's another long story) I now have an ICD. Implanted Cardiac Defibrilator. So, when the QT interval prolonged...bam! Heart rate jumps to 200+ and my ICD shocks me! While I'm awake! Scariest shit!....ever! The nurses come running in. Alarms are going off and I'm sitting there panting with a look I'm sure can only be described as my "what the hell..." look. Oh! You have an implanted defibrilator!  They all relax and leave. I'm freaking out!

This happens several more times over the next hour! They call my dad. Over a 3 hour period, I was shocked 13times. One time it hits 3 in a row! Each time painful, scary & a reminder I could have died! Over & over again!

It finally stopped. They had given me potassium & magnesium.  I was afraid and totally freaked out! The looks on my Dad & Brothers faces is one I never want to see again! They feared they lost me.

The next day, I felt OK. I was on magnesium by IV (I still take supplements) Dad came back. Around 8pm, I hugged him goodbye & got into bed so the nurses could change my wound dressing. And then it started all over again! That night I got a total of 12 shocks & they moved me to cardiac ICU. I thought I was going to die. My dad & brother came back to the hospital. They had that look again. I prayed & prayed & prayed. This was not my time! They need me! I have so much more to do! More to experience!  More impact to make! They have suffered so much loss! They can't lose me too! God couldn't be that cruel. Right?

Finally the next day my heart decided to start cooperating and they engaged the pacemaker function of my ICD and set my BPM to 100. That seemed to do the trick! But I tell you....till this day...I live in fear of a repeat of those moments. I have severe anxiety!  I'm on medication for it. I'm in counseling for it! Its getting better! I mean...I didn't have an anxiety attack writing this!  Its a great achievement! But its a sort of PTSD thing for me.

I know in time, the farther away from this event that I get...the easier it becomes to let go of the fear.  But its always there. I'm obsessed with my magnesium and potassium levels. I take my new heart/blood pressure Med that's a Beta Blocker without fail!

I eventually was moved to a long term hospital & spent 3+ weeks there. I went home Feb 2nd. I required help & needed my Bro to drive me to dialysis 3x week and to any Doctor appointments. By the time my Birthday rolled around in March...I was dialysis free & peeing again! My kidneys had healed! 

I have a new outlook on life. Our time here is limited & prescious. God saved me & healed me for a reason! I have several scars from this ordeal. They are physical reminders to me that I survived! I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm here and I'm here for a reason. I just wish I knew what it was! I hope knowing me has been for the better. I hope I have impacted others lives positively! That at least would make it all feel a bit more worthwhile.

Forgotten Gifts

Christmas is fast approaching and I only have one gift for my Dad & his wife. I have my brother to get something for but wish I could get Dad something else too. Funds are low.

I was thinking about past Christmas gifts and our family Holiday Traditions. Our traditions have been absent since my mom's death. The first Christmas after her death, none of us really felt like celebrating. I tried. I cooked but there were no presents & for all the prep time it took, dinner was eaten on TV trays while watching some stupid action movie my dad and brother had picked.

The second Christmas after mom's death, just last Christmas, I was in the hospital! I had already spent a lonely Thanksgiving there ...why not Christmas too! (Note the sarcasm) By then I'd had surgery but developed an infection and an allergic reaction to the antibiotic which led to acute kidney failure! I started a four month long dialysis treatment schedule the next day. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS! RIGHT?

So here we are....christmas 2012.    I miraculously survived several near death incidences and Im just happy to be alive & peeing on my own! Dialysis is NOT FUN! Take care of tour kidneys!!!

I'm finally at a point mentally & physically that I can do something meaningful this Christmas. 
My mom was the keeper of tradition and always made the house a fragrant, cozy and welcoming home. I miss that. So, how can I get it back?

Before My dad moved out of the home he and mom shared for 15yrs, he had me go through and sort out plastic bin after plastic bin filled with Christmas decorations, craft projects and so many memories. I cried harder that day than the day of my moms funeral. These ornaments were more than plastic and glitter. They are year upon year full of memories. Facing all those memories and choosing which memory triggering item to keep or donate was a very emotional event. Even as I write this, I'm getting all teary-eyed.

So this year those items will remain in storage but I will be using some really groovy vintage ornaments I inherited from both of my grandmothers to decorate a 4ft tree. At the insistance of my Brother,  I decided that baking our good old family favorite Christmas cookies would be a way to keep the traditions and memories alive! But where are mom's recipes?

Then a thought hit me! I have recipes! My mom was big into crafts & scrapbooking. That last Christmas in 2009, she gave me a gift that at the time I was happy to get but now holds a special place. It will be among my most treasured possessions.

She made me a scrapbook cookbook. It was a premade template with stickers & decorated pages, but she made it just for me! Today as I dug it out of my bookshelf, I looked through it with new eyes. I smiled at the memories these tasty dishes rustled up in my mind. I laughed and then cried when I realized that they were all here! Grandma's pie crust, Grandpa's Hungarian Stew, my other Grandma's (Mom's mom) peanut butter fudge recipe ...written by her and which my mom lovingly placed on the page. Then there were mom's specialties: snowball cookies, banana bread and Impossible Cheeseburger pie (not my favorite but suddenly I crave it!)

So, I think I'm finally getting better,  not just physically, but mentally. I can remember and it doesn't hurt as much. Its OK to cry and open up the handwritten, handmade scrapbook full of memories, recipes and traditions...The Best Gift I've Ever Received!

Who wants some Christmas cookies?

So what if Im a TvAddict?

I have always loved TV. I was an only child for 10 years and I watched a lot of shows with my parents. Most kids my age probably didnt have the attention span to tolerate some of the shows. I liked Emergency, Six Million Dollar Man, Incredible Hulk, Buck Rogers and everyone's favorite....Little House on the Prairie. That was my all time favorite for years!

I also remember seeing several films at the local Drive-In (If you've never been...I'm sorry!) I saw several Disney films and specifically remember going to see Star Wars! I was only 5, but I loved space stuff! I also remember seeing Grease at the Drive -in (even though I had already seen it with my older cousin at the theatre).

Nothing has changed since then. I'm at my happiest when I have cable with On Demand and a DVR. Some days there's just too many shows on at one time! I love reality competition shows (not the romance/bachelor ones) and have a serious crime drama obsession.

I found out about 10yrs ago that there was a Drive-in still operational in a town called Coldwater, about an hours drive away. I frequented that establishment many times over the summer for quite a few years! (Yes, I'm a geek)

I often wonder if this obsession has kept me away from relationships with the 3Dimentional world. I think back to a time in college when I got upset that a friend of mine went to the movies without me. I had been bugging him to go for a while. The next day he said "I knew you were watching that Medicine Woman show so I just went". Thank you Jane Seymour!  I couldn't even get asked to hang out on weekends because apparently everyone knew of my TV habits!

Well, what's past is past. Right? Now I'm pretty sure if you saw this link on twitter, you probably share at least one TV show obsession with me. I was so amazed at how many people ... gay women in particular ... have the same TV show interests and guess what? I'm not even considered crazy! I mean....there's some CRAZY obsessed fans out there!

So, now at 40yrs old, I have found a community that understands my love for certain shows and characters and actors. I don't feel like I'm that odd. Social media...the thing some claim will rip us apart as a society, has drawn me in and bound me to other people who understand and share my obsesion.

So is having an obsession really that bad? I have friends that I've known for years who dutifully listen and pretend to share in my happiness at a new episode of a favorite show or act overjoyed with me about a Tweet from a popular actor. My BFF laughs and says there's nothing wrong with it. My other good friend chuckles and calls me a dork. My other friends think its "cute". Whatever way you look at it, I'm weirdly obsessed and I don't give a damn!

I've had some rough times these past few years. When my real life friends abondoned me or just hoped I didn't notice their absence even as I spent every Holiday in the hospital last year... I noticed!...I had some friends that were always there for me. I had Jane, Maura, Olivia & Sara on my TV screen just as always!  I had fanfic writers whom I adore posting new fun stories as always! It helped me get back to a normalcy. So call it obsession but I would never call it bad for me!

Yes, I'm an adult. Yes, I watch a lot of TV. Yes, I hope I can one day find a woman just as caught up in TvLand as I am! We can spend meaningful, romantic nights cuddling on the couch watching SVU or CSI or everyone's favorite...Maura& Jane! (Just don't be a crazy stalker fan...I got enough crazy already!)

I leave you with a quote. It was said by the lovely Marg Helgenberger in the movie "Fire Down Below"....No matter how strange something is, you give it enough time and it becomes normal.

Go be strange!!!!

Day that changed my Life

Reading some other Blogs got me thinking....well, more than I do already. There were 2 very different posts but both about a parent.

My parents and I have always been close. Years when I had just school or work, my mom was my friend. I didn't talk about romance or crushes, but we talked  about everything else. She loved to talk! Even more than I do!

When I was 36, I finally admitted to myself what I had suspected but denied for a long time. I'm gay! It was a struggle. I grew up super religious. I attended a Lutheran school K-12! I went to a Lutheran College! Its wrong to be gay! Right? But I was! (But that's a whole different topic for a different post)

I never had a "coming out" moment with my parents. I know my mom suspected. I mean...I now had several lesbian friends whom I'd met at a known Lesbian Club. My politicam views were changed. I teased about shaving my head and I had stopped bothering with makeup and purses. I always hated them!
One night, My parents and I had discussed, well argued, about what the Bible does and does not say about being gay.  We agreed to disagree. There's no way they would see being gay as anything but a sin.

When I got up to Leave and said my goodbyes,  my mom says to me "We love you no matter what". I just shook my head,chuckled and pretended it didn't mean anything.

I now cling to those words. They keep me going most days. I never had the opportunity to "come out" to my mom. Several months later, she died unexpectedly from complications due to pneumonia. She was only 59. Too young to die! Too young for me & my Brother to lose their mom! Dad was crushed! They'd been together almost 40 years!

That day changed the course of my life forever! It changed the relationship I have with my Dad and my Brother. It changed my outlook completely! If you've lost a parent, you will understand. It was such an unimaginable loss and there's still a hollowness that nothing can ever fill!

I still haven't come out to my Dad. My Brother doesn't really want to discuss it. Ive tried! They both think its a disgusting sin. But I often wonder, if my Mom were still alive, would I have had a "coming out" moment? Would she have accepted it? Would she be disgusted with me?

I miss my mom every day, especially this time if year. Christmas just isn't the same! And Dad having a new wife now seems to only make it even more sad for my Brother and me.

On the days when I feel like I'm a disappointment or have moments of doubt about my life as a lesbian, I think back to my Mom's words that day and smile -"We love you no matter what"

Rock Bottom

What exactly is "rock bottom"? I seem to be asking myself that question all too often. Ive been laid off, fired, lost vehicles, had to move back in with my parents, sold items in order to have food and gas. I have been hospitalized two different times in 4yrs. Both times were life threatening situations! Then my Grandpa, Grandma and Mom all died within a 12month span. Moms death hit not just me, but all of us exceptionally hard. That was rock bottom, right?

Today I found myself scrounging up pop bottles and having my brother walk the mile to the store to turn them in for toilet paper. He had to walk because we are out of gas. we have enough food for maybe two more days and then I dont know what will happen. Surely this HAS to be rock bottom. right? There has to be no where to go but UP from here! Right?

Im sure more bad things will happen in my lifetime, but for once I just wish i could get my head above water and enjoy the fresh air. Im sick of laying in the cold depths of poverty and depression. Rock bottom is not a place I enjoy. But even after all this and the feelings of depression I have over it, Im still better off then most people in the world. I have to remember that just being an American means I will never really experience rock bottom the way someone in a war torn country will experience it.

So, as I try to sell anything of value on Craigslist that I can, I am thankful for a roof over my head, water to drink and even the off brand cans of soup and veggies left in the cupboard. Thats more than most people have.  I am thankful for life.  I am a survivor! Genetic disorders and cancer didnt get me! I am here for a reason!

This may seem to be a bit more like a rambling than anything, but its a moment of clarity for me on my journey through life. But through it all one thing remains....my faith and God's grace in seeing me through it all. I'm still here & things seem to have a way of working themselves out.

Besides...when you're at the bottom, you can get a footing and push yourself back up!