What it means to be a Christian & Being Gay

I decided to start this blog more for my own mental health benefit than any other reason.  But I do love to write and always say im going to be a writer.  im 40, not a writer, so i should start acting like one! So, I'm writing!!!

I was raised Lutheran, very strict, went to a lutheran church school kindergarten thru 12th grade! Then I went on to a Lutheran college. Now there is nothing wrong with being lutheran and there is certainly nothing wrong with being a Christian...In my opinion anyway!  But the church I attended and church run school were somewhat cultic.  They had control over every aspect of our lives and we blindly followed and believed everthing they said! We took everything they said as truth! Now, this wasnt anything my parents or I realized until 20 years had past and I was in college. 

College is where the disillusionment began.  Churches werent filled with perfect people who knew everything and everything they told you wasnt a  fact but opinion.  I figured out that what I thought was normal was far, far from being normal!  I lost my faith in organized religion.  It hadnt treated me well and I was in a state of shock and had to figure everything out for myself now.

Fast forward 10 years after college and I am working in a field I never expected to be involved - newspaper advertising.  I dont really attend church, but still pray and listen to Christian music when I need some inspiration. Any form of a social life has been pretty non-existant at this point. I had my guy-friend from college who was now divorced and I had stupidly thought we would end up together.  He fit the bill of husband material! we got along well, he had a great job, kind family & he was a Christian! and who better to marry than  your best friend, right? I mean it happened for Monica & Chandler!!! It could happen for me! right?

Well, it never happened and now 5 more years later, Im working a job I dont really love, Im not very financially secure, Im single, still a virgin & never even really kissed anyone! I am pathetic at best!!! Then suddenly Im finding myself unemployed & when I finally land a job, i make a descision about something that is really pretty stupid, but it ends up being a life changing momemt.  I  smoke, but not many people know. I feel judged by poeple when i smoke. My parents hate that i smoke and i hid it from them for years! so, I decide that I need to own it! If you are a smoker, be a smoker! who cares!!!  So, the first day at my new job when break time comes up and someone asks if I smoke and want to go out for a smoke break...I say YES!!!  So, I am now officially a smoker! I own who I am and go on smoke breaks!!!

Apparently developing this new attitude about something as questionable as smoking has affected me more than I realized!  I decided that I would live life for me.  Not try to be what people think you should be.  I may be single the rest of my life!  I may not dress the way people like.  I could no longer worry about being a good wife and mother like my Mom wanted for me.  That was her dream, not mine!!!  I was still trying to figure it all out, but I knew I wanted to live life on my terms and reach goals that I wanted to reach. Thats when it happened.....

Anyone who knows me, knows I love CSI! I had become obsessed with the whole Grissom/Sara storyline and when we find out they were a couple and we didnt know it, I was overjoyed!  I became obsessed with the actors and read everything I could about them and their personal lives.  And then I had a dream.  I had a dream that i was at the mall with a group of women, all friends, and Jorja was there too.  But when she got up to leave, she gave me a kiss on the lips and said she would see me later.  Apparently I was her girlfriend in this dream. And it felt awesome! Not sick or dirty or wrong! It was the most right a dream had ever felt! And now finally my thoughts were becoming more focused and clear.  My reason for thinking that Jorja looked kinda hot on last weeks episode now made perfect sense! I think I must be gay!!!

Now I know that one dream doesnt mean your gay.  Many straight people have fantasies or perhaps their subconscious is saying something alltogether different.  so, I had to figure this out.  Plus, being gay is a sin, right?  Christians arent gay!  I CANT BE GAY!!!!  But inside things started to make sense a bit more.  I talked to my best friend and she was very supportive and assured me that one could be gay & Christian & that there was nothing "wrong" with me.

I was still a bit unsure of how I could justify my feelings with my beliefs and what I have known as truth my entire life! This sent me on a quest for information. I was launched on journey that me searching the bookshelves at Barnes & Noble for books on the topic of Christianity and Homosexuality.  Yes, I am THAT big of a nerd!

I read and read and prayed and prayed and talked and talked to my best friend. I had to just admit it to myself.  I was gay and I was a Christian.  This searching had actually strengthened my faith and renewed my trust in God to have a plan for my life!