Amazing Discovery

I was cleaning out some stacks of papers and looking through some old notebooks a few weeks ago.  I opened up a composition book and there were several handwritten pages by me that I had written about 5 years ago. What an interesting find! I read the barely legible handwriting (yes its so bad I could barely read it myself) and it made me realize how much my life has changed in the past five years. And the sad thing about it is that most of the changes werent good ones! They werent changes I could control.  There were some really good changes too. But either way, what I had written was really my first BLOG entry on a journey to self discovery.

The really good thing about reading this was seeing that I had found some answers to the questions I was asking about myself and my purpose in life. The sad part is that my life would never be the way it was then either.  You see, my mom died unexpectedly in Feb of 2010. It rocked my world off its foundation.  Our whole familly just sat and stared at eachother in awe! Im still dealing with it and I dont think you ever get OVER losing a parent, but you deal with it. well, thats a thought for another time and post!

So Im reading these pages and tear them out of the book. Apparently I was going to write some sort of self discovery journal and even titled the composition book "Picking up the Pieces".  Heres what I wrote before I had even considered I might be a lesbian:  When did it all fall apart? This question has plagued me for ages and the downward spiral seems to be bottomless. How can you pick up the pieces when all that is left are dust and slivers of the former self? By now I had thought I would have direction and purpose in life. But no such luck! What did I do wrong? How did it sneak up on me like this? You start to look at the events in your life and wonder if thats the moment that something changed. The moment you let something unknowingly take hold of your life and silently control all the aspects of yourself.

Its clear that I was feeling lost and searching for SOMETHING to make sense.  It's weird to look back at this and see what I was thinking.  And now I realized half of this confusion was due to the fact that I was only pretending to be what everyone thought I was.  I was NOT destined to marry a man and have kids.  I was not destined to be everything my parents wanted me to be.  I was in fact gay! I no longer have these feelings of uncertainty about me and who I am as a person. Im so happy I finally figured that out.  I still feel like I need a new purpose and hope that I can find true love and a happily ever after. But now Im not searching for Prince Charming....Come to find out, I can relate to him a lot better! LOL! Im searching for my Princess. Someone I can be everything for and love and make a home. I may never find it, but at least now I know what I am looking for in my love life.

I hope in a few years I look back on the posts here and have the same chuckle of "wow! how was I so clueless?" moment.  I hope I have a few more things figured out. I hope I dont fear the future and shudder with anxiety like I do now.  I know there is more to me than this and I hope by taking the time to sit down and write things out and share with others, I can have that  inner peace.

Perhaps my words dont spark anything inside anyone, but I hope it makes some kind of impact on someone and I would LOVE to talke to you! I have found that finding people who understand what you are going through is a key thing in moving past your hangups! The past 4 years of changes and uncertainty are finally becoming blurry moments of the past and not as vibrant and real. I think that once we start to examine ourselves and the things we dont like about ourselves or our situation, that's when things can change and become what we hoped.  It may not be exactly the way we imagined or be what we dreamed but it will happen! Just pray, examine your behavior and do the best you can to be who you want to be, not what others want. Its only when I fianlly started to do things for me that I finally figured some things out about who I am and what my life had become.

I'm going to keep those few handwritten journal pages and look back on them every now and again and remember where I was and where I have landed. Its encouraging to know that I no longer live in the past with those same confused feelings.  I took them out, examined them and finally figured out who I am.  Thats the best feeling in the world!!!